"I will not leave you as orphans - I will come to you." John 14:18

Thursday, December 24, 2009

What are you waiting for?

I want you to know I am no saint. I want you to know that I am no angel. I want you to know I am just like you. People around me have started to ask questions about my adoption journey and when I speak of it they respond with "You're amazing", or "Wow, I could never do that", or "That's incredible". . . There are a whole host of other things that people say as well. I promise you. . . I have been given no more determination that you. I have been given no more grace than you. I have been given no more patience than you. I have been given no bigger heart than you. God has simply given me direction. I have been seeking direction and asking for it for a long time. Why I didn't listen to what God's been saying to me for a long time is beyond me. The only thing I can come up with is that I have been waiting for the "perfect" time. When I have enough money. . . When I'm out of debt. . . When I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. . . When I lose 150 pounds. . . When I'm married. . . And I've literally wasted my life away.

I'm tired of waiting. I won't do it anymore. I have to grab the bull by the horns and take the monster on. I'll never have enough money. I'll never be out of debt. It's unlikely that I'll quit living paycheck to paycheck. A 150 pound weight-loss is in my future, but probably down the road a year or two. Married? I won't even begin to tackle that beast.

The point to my ramblings is a goal. I've set goals. Yes, they are fairly lofty goals. . . but the point is, I've set them. I'm working towards my goals. I'm not going to hit New Years this year and look back and question what I've done to better myself and those around me. This year is the first year in a LONG time that I actually have something I am REALLY going to work for and something I feel I have really achieved this year.

What is your goal this year? A closer walk with the Savior? Get in the WORD! Start one verse at a time. Weight loss? Hit it one pound at a time. Walk away from the cookies one at a time. A new job? Put yourself out there. Knock on doors until your knuckles are calloused and cracked. To increase your family? Check with your local DCS to find out when you can enroll for the new foster parenting classes. There are SO many children that need homes. They need a Godly mother and Godly father to lead them. Can't risk giving your heart to someone who may be removed from you? Be a Big Brother or Big Sister. Contact your local elementary school and volunteer. Get with the local children's ministry in your area to volunteer. give. Give. GIVE!!

One step at a time. One pound at a time. One minute at a time. One knock at a time. Don't be discouraged. Two steps forward, one step back. . . we all do it! I look forward to my journey this year whether it be by myself, or with a gaggle of friends and family to join me.

My wish for you this year is this. . .
"That you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, to lead a live worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God" (Col. 1:9-10)

. . . and again, I ask. . . WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Blind Side

So, I'm not much of a movie person. If I go to the movies 3 times in a year, I'm amazed. I knew from the moment I saw the previews for "The Blind Side" that I would be seeing that movie in the theater. It's been out now for a few weeks and I have yet to hear someone say anything bad about it. So last night my best friend says that she wants to go and see it. This week at school was seriously the longest week that I have had yet this year and I needed a feel-good movie. I knew that "The Blind Side" was a true story and so I knew that it would probably fit the bill of a "feel-good" movie. I was pumped. I guess I should have considered my week. Not only was it a super long week, it was an emotionally draining one. I'm not real sure why, but I have felt . . . hmmm. . . I don't know. . . sad? Pensive? Reflective? Quiet? all week. . . I have a lot on my plate right now and am trying to keep moving forward but feel as if it is all just a moment from crashing down on me. It started on Sunday with a sweet, precious message from a friend that meant so very much to me. Then it was on to church where the only thing I could hear Brother David saying was "Anything is possible with God." I started boo-hooing before the sermon even started and couldn't stop. . . Everytime he said "Anything is possible with God" I would burst into tears again. I leaned over to my best friend and said, "If he doesn't stop saying that, I'm leaving." Funny thing is. . . a friend told me later, he only said it once or twice. Must have been the Holy Spirit laying it on thick.

So all week, I was tiptoeing on eggshells around my own emotions, afraid that I would turn a corner and lose it again.

If you haven't seen "The Blind Side", you really need to. It's basically about a young black teenager that doesn't have a home and "happens" to run into a family that takes him in and believes in him. They give him a lot of great things, but most of all, they gave him hope. They taught him life skills and gave him the keys to be successful.

I think the movie had been on all of 10 minutes before I had tears streaming down my face. I have heard that this happens to people during this movie, but I wondered how many people had tears because they knew that their child was out there somewhere and could be going through some of the same things? I wonder how many of those people were broken because their child could possibly be sleeping in a laundromat because they didn't have anywhere else to go. I wonder if they felt a horrible sadness because they knew that it was possible that their child was being exposed to the horrible conditions and situations that this young man had to endure. I wonder if they felt lost because there is nothing that they can do to make the process move any faster. These were my feelings.

Everytime that I feel as though my feelings about adoption and fostering are not as strong, God places someone, or something in my path that reminds me how critical it is that I continue to press on to find my child. So, I press on. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I have questions. I worry. I pray.

and I trust. What else have I? I have to trust that My God is bigger than any fears, fatigure, worries, stresses, questions, and setbacks that I can experience. I continue to press on. I continue to trust.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Fighting it off

I have made some contacts this week that have not been as encouraging as I had hoped. I spoke with a woman at Department of Children Services (after 3 rounds of phone tag) that took my initial information; name, # of children interested in, county of residence, ect. She then promised that she would pass the information on to the person in my county that was responsible for placement. She said that I should expect a call within a week's time. I thought, "Yeah, right." (Insert sarcastic huff here.) Thankfully, and much to my surprise, I recieved a call the next day from the Sumner County DCS worker. He gave me valuable information about the PATH training that I'm going to be taking, and took some more information about me. I told him that I was most interested in a child 4-8 years old. His response to me was there are not many children in this age group that are open for fostering to adopt because they are typically returned to their biological homes. He did say that there are plenty of teenagers that need homes. Oh gracious! Teenagers?? What does this mean to me? At first, I felt like maybe I was headed down the wrong path. Maybe I should be going through a private agency? Should I pursue domestic adoption instead of fostering to adopt? I have to fight off the voices in my head, because my God is in control. My desire to mother a child of this certain age has not changed. While the DCS worker says it's rare for this age child to be available in the foster to adopt system, my God specializes in miracles. If this is truly God's desire for me, it will happen. I may have to wait longer. I may have to suffer some brokeness and heartache. But my God is bigger than any timeline, and has abundant love and comfort for the brokenhearted.

So, here I sit. . . fighting off the first round (of many to come, I'm sure) of doubts. Knowing that God is faithful. Knowing that this decision for me to pursue adoption is GOD'S request of me. Yes, I have always wanted to be a mother. Yes, I have waited a long time to do it. But NO. . . I didn't consider single motherhood by choice until God laid it on my heart.

Thank you for your concern and prayers for me. Thank you for asking me how things are going. I'm blessed by talking about it, talking through it, and by hearing your opinions, feelings, and thoughts. Have a blessed week.

(Oh yeah, and by the way. . . I start my PATH training classes January 7, 2010.)
"I press on toward the goal. . ."