Yes, It's true. . . 10 months has passed. Ten long months. Ten months of joy, pain, sadness, excitement, and new beginnings. The original intention of this blog was to document my "Journey of Obedience" as I sought the heart of God on adoption from a single person's perspective. I believe that my goal was obtained, albeit not the goal that I would have planned for myself. Through my journey, I learned that God is not finished with me. I also learned that motherhood is not what He has planned for me. The last time I wrote, I shared that God had made it clear to me that I was not to be a mom. He had to do some serious work to remove the desire from me to be a mom. Looking back, that was a painful time in my life. Realizing that what I wanted and what God wanted were two different things was devastating for me. Have I not been listening all these years? Have I gone down the wrong path selfishly? Why have I had desires to be a mom when it wasn't what God wanted for me? I have no answers to those questions, but I can confidently say that as the days rolled into weeks, and the weeks into months, my Healer provided. He carefully and lovingly tended to my wounds. He ripped off the old, tattered, and nasty bandaids, and replaced them with new ones to allow me to continue to heal. When more healing had occured, He ripped those off too, and allowed the Son and the air to reach my wound, and continue healing. The scars are there. The evidence of human dreams that have been lost is there. But I am a new creature.
I know it wasn't by accident at all. God orchestrated something so lovely in me that I barely can hold my excitement and joy over it. My church presented a sermon series called "Wrecked". It was a call to God's people to become wrecked for their community, for their state, for their world. God began to move in my heart during that campaign, although I didn't recognize it. He finally brought me to a place of brokeness when I realized how selfish I am with my time. I've become a bit of a recluse in my "old" age. But God showed me that there is a group of students that need me. There are students that are hungry and thirsty for something that I can help give them. So, taking His leading, I started a community choir in the area where I currently teach. My former students can come back and make music with me on a weekly basis. These kids will have an outlet for music, and socialization. My hope and desire is that these kids will someday be able to process and know that they are loved inside and out by someone other than their parent. I want them to know that someone passionately cares about them and what's going on in their life. I want to be a mentor and a helper in their life; someone they can trust and come to if they need it.
God has asked me to give up time, and money to do this. He's asked me to put my second job on hold as I now have another evening that I am unavailable to work. He's asked me to increase my patience, and broaden my sense of compromise. He's asked me to be "wrecked" for my community.
And my answer is "here I am Lord, send me". . . "use me". . . "I'll do what you ask". . .
I've not always been obedient (just ask mom and dad!). . . but it is my hope that as God has defined and changed my "journey" that it will continue to be a "journey of obedience". Thank you for joining me on my continued journey.