"I will not leave you as orphans - I will come to you." John 14:18

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ready to Talk

So, I guess after my short post last time, I'm ready to do some "splaining". Where to start, where to start. . .

All of this began with my knee surgery. From my previous posts, you probably already know that my surgery set me back further than I would have ever imagined, physically speaking. Gratefully, the weekend after my surgery my BF and her boys moved in. They have helped me SO very much with the house and the dogs. It's been a real eye-opener having them there. I knew it would be, so that doesn't surprise me, but it really helps having them in the space that they are in so that I can really judge how much space I have to work with for adoption purposes.

My house is a wonderful blessing. I own a 4 bedroom townhouse that is two stories. Currently, my BF and the boys are occupying the entire upstairs which has 3 bedrooms and a full bathroom. My bedroom, as well as a full bathroom, kitchen, dining room, and living room are all downstairs. Prior to them moving in, we had all discussed what would happen if and when a child would come to live with us. The boys would share a room, and that would leave an open room for the child to have. Now that I can see how the space is being utilized, I'm not sure that it is the best time right now for me to take this on.

The amazing thing about the timing issue that God has placed in my life, is that just prior to my new roomies joining me, I had some serious doubts as to what path I should really be on. Why did I chose foster to adopt? Is there another path that is more appropriate for me? I'm not regretting going through the PATH training classes, I'm just not certain anymore that fostering is for me. The constant mention of "fostering teens" has really got me thinking that maybe I'm not supposed to go through this program to increase my family.

I initially chose foster to adopt for a couple of reasons~

1. I feel very strongly about domestic adoption. I am a huge advocate for international adoption, but I also believe that there are hundreds of thousands of kids on in my backyard that need homes.

2. Extremely selfishly, (and now that I'm really being honest) and probably faithlessly speaking, I chose foster to adopt because of money issues. I know that international adoptions as well as domestic adoptions are crazy expensive which just ticks me off. Why is it that good people, with good hearts, and good homes can't adopt a child for free or next to free? I think that a lot more people would consider adoption if the price wasn't so steep. So my decision to foster to adopt was based on the fact that fostering is nearly free. I say nearly because there are things that I have to purchase to make my home able to pass strict guidelines - carbon monoxide testers, medication lockboxes, ect.

3. I don't want to parent an infant. As a single female, I don't think it would be wise of me to parent an infant that requires daycare and other needs that I am not able to provide. I know that it is rare for infants to come into the custody of the state, so that's another reason I chose foster care.

4. Although I have nothing to back this up except for my thoughts and feelings, I still feel leary about being a single parent by choice. I figure(d) that an adoption agency will ask a lot of questions and be suspicious of me if I'm single rather than DHS just being glad to have a warm home to send a child to.

So where do I stand? I have no clue. I'm in a crazy transition period right now. I am finishing up my PATH training classes in the next 2 weeks. I chose to complete those classes because I am not a quitter, and I believe that no matter what path God leads me down in my life, those classes will make me a better teacher and better human being. I will complete my homestudy with DCS in the next 2 months or so. I am not a quitter. I will push forward to see what God wants me to do. I am not a quitter. I will continue to lose weight. I am not a quitter. (Ok, Ok, so I've struggled ALOT with this last one. I want to quit. Dang, I want some chocolate cake right now. Like, the whole thing.)

My thought now is that I am at a crossroad in my life. I still feel strongly that I need to pursue adoption. I still feel strongly that I need to pursue domestic adoption. Fostering to adopt is an issue that I'm wavering on. My new thoughts include the path of adoption agency. Why? Well, looking back at the four reasons I gave for following the path to adoption through foster care, three out of four of those are (I feel) selfish, lazy, and faithless excuses. I am not trusting my God to provide financially. I am not trusting my God to place the child that HE wants me to have in my life. I am not trusting my God to make my way clear and be able to answer questions about my singleness. Shame on me. Shame on me. Shame on me.

My God is not a God of confusion. My God is not a secret God. Thanks, Erin, for the reminder. Any confusion comes from the father of lies. Any secrets that I perceive are only secrets because I am not looking and seeking.

Please pray that I will be seeking the answers that I need and that I will be obedient in following the path God has for me. If you have any input on adoption agencies that you think I should look in to (or those that you would NOT recommend), please let me know because I'm going to begin doing research to see if that is what God would have me to do.

Thank you friends. You are a blessing to me.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Hey God, how about a map?

Frustration. Weariness. Moments of Anger. Exhaustion. Confusion.

I don't even really know where to begin. The last three weeks have been absolutely exhausting as I've tried to juggle all of my normal responsibilities as well as respond to the pull of my heart. My physical state (crutches and a wheelchair) have pushed me beyond exhaustion physically - not to mention the mental state it puts me in to have to be dependent on others.

As my week began last week, I wasn't sure I was even going to be able to go through with the rest of my home study. As the week wore on, I knew it was physically impossible for me to be prepared, so I called and postponed it until April.

I'm sorry. I have to blog more later. I cannot separate my thoughts right now and need more time to think. Thank you to those of you who have been faithfully following and praying for me.