There are a couple of times during the year that a sadness will hit me. The anniversary of my Grandma Jeannie's homegoing. The times when I talk to my family and miss them terribly, knowing I'm missing out on a really special time with my nieces or nephew. And Mother's Day. Inevitably, every year that passes, I become further and further away from the possibility of getting married. That in and of itself is heart-wrenching to me. But the fact that I don't have a child. . . it continues to burn and ache in my soul. I am so so so grateful to be in the lives of so many children and feel as though I'm making a difference. . . my students at school, my nieces and nephew, my BF's 3 boys who happen to live with me. . . but how I long to have one of my own.
I do feel as though I've taken steps backwards in the last three months. Many people have asked why I haven't posted anything on the progress. That's because there has been no progress. Nothing. Nada. My home study is not done. My paperwork is not complete. I had to put it on hold and haven't yet picked it back up. My intention is to get going on it with a vengeance as soon as school lets out. I'm FREAKED out about the home study. I know I shouldn't be, but it's tough to think that someone is going to come into my home and judge it.
I had the opportunity to meet with a friend, Brea, that has been through domestic adoption twice. My goal was to ask her about private agency versus DCS adoptions. I was SHOCKED (and ecstatic) to find out that I can do foster to adopt through a private agency and it is still virtually free. I remember being told back at my initial interview with DCS that I could go through a private agency, but I misunderstood and thought he meant that the foster care system was not where I needed to be. I didn't realize that you can go through a private agency and they act as a liason between DCS and the client. This will add an additional level of screening that will ensure that I will be contacted only for cases that meet my "list".
Oh boy. . . the list. Another source of panic and questions. Brea recommended that I make a "list" of situations or "conditions", if you will, that I would feel comfortable or capable of handling. For instance, do I feel capable of caring for a wheelchair bound child? Am I willing to parent a child with a severe handicap? And things like that. That way, when the agency calls me with a possible placement, I don't immediately get mommy-fever and consider to take someone that I can't possibly care for.
But how do you HONESTLY write down what you'll take and what you'll not take? So that's where YOU come in. I need prayers. I need desperate prayers that will help guide me towards what I can take and what I can't take. This list will not be shared with the case worker, just a list that I can refer to, but I know it's important. I am not equipped to make decisions on what I can handle. I trust that God will only give me what I can handle, so I'm asking you to petition for me as I continue to ask God to lead me.
It is truly my hope and prayer that this will be my last Mother's Day alone. I expect tears tomorrow. They come every year when I'm at church. They flow quickly and burn my cheeks. My heart beats fast and my stomach churns. But, I am trusting that God will provide what I need.
To the precious moms that are following my journey of obedience, I wish for you peace, love, joy, and deep happiness on this day that celebrates you and the gift that you gave to the world. Hug your children tightly. Kiss their precious faces. Know that you make a difference everyday. Please don't take it for granted. There are some people that would give nearly anything to be in your world.
Who's that girl?
2 years ago