First of many

Today I experienced the first of what I'm sure will be many heartaches on my journey of obedience. I have eagerly anticipated my first meeting with the Sumner County DCS workers for about 10 days now. Today was the first meeting of what was to be my home study. I was told that three meetings would be the make-up of a home study. They asked me to tell them about my motivation for wanting to be a resource parent. After I explained "Crazy Love" to them and a passion that my Savior has placed on my heart, I was greeted with this statement; "I see here that you are interested in a child 4-8 years old. At this time, we are really in need of foster parents for teenagers. How do you feel about that?" I replied with the fact that, although I'm not closed to it, I don't feel like that is what I've been called to right now. I did tell them that I would be willing to open up to a child as old as 11.

In a nutshell I told them:
** I want to foster to adopt (meaning that I am not too keen on fostering children that will never be adoptable)
** I am willing to wait as long as I need to find the child or children that God has for me
** I understand that this is a journey, not just a one time deal
** I fully expect that children that I foster may ultimately return to their parents or families
** I fully expect that I will have a broken heart at sometime in this journey

The interview continued, but not for long. I felt very confident that I shared my heart with them to the fullest, but I neglected to remember one fact: They are not interested in my heart. They want to find good homes for kids that need them. I am more of a business transaction than a human being that has wrestled, prayed, cried, and hurt over the decisions that have brought me to this point. Their job is to find homes for kids. They will do this by any means.

At the end of the meeting, which only lasted 25 minutes, the statement was made, "In the past we started PATH training meetings by telling people that we were only looking for people who are willing to take in teenagers. But we've changed that because people started to not be honest in the process. We are at a point now where we don't even start a home study unless people are willing to take in teens." I hope with all my heart that the disappointment that flogged my heart was not evident on my face. They had mentioned to bring my binder with me and turn in any paperwork that I had ready, but by the end of the meeting, they hadn't even asked for it. I offered it at the end, proud because I have finished well over half of it and have collected what I need to get, and they smiled, and kindly took it. I feel like it was just to be nice.

As I left there, I wanted nothing but to go to my house, crawl into bed in my dark room, and cry. I wanted to let the tears flow for my naivity (is that even the right word??). I wanted to let the tears flow for the boys and girls that need homes that I can't get to. I wanted to let the tears flow for the DCS workers that obviously see this as a job and not as lives that you're touching. Oh yes, they said the right words. . . but when the rubber met the road, I felt like I was a number.

Oh Jesus. . . thank you for the reminder you just gave me. . . literally as I was sitting here. . . "Take heart, I have overcome the world". I don't even remember the reference, but thank you Lord for bringing it to my mind.

So where do I go from here? I don't know really. Just the other day, I had a moment of panic and asked my best friend, "Am I doing the right thing? Am I ready for this?" Maybe this was God's way of preparing me for a different path. Maybe I shouldn't be going through the state. Maybe I need to pursue a private agency for adoption? Oh boy. Dollar signs flash before my eyes. But so does the fact that God still moves mountains. God still performs miracles.

I will trust. I will allow the tears to flow. I will continue to work hard physically to lose this weight. I will fight to find my children.