Explanations and Life Changes

Many people have asked (or at least wondered to themselves) how in the world I got to the point of questioning adoption. Like most other little girls, I've always dreamed of the day that my daddy would escort me down the aisle and give me away to the man of my dreams. I waited through high school. I struggled through college. I bravely met the world. I've not met the man that God has chosen for me. Does that mean he's not out there? I'm not sure. Does that mean that God wants me to be single? I don't have any idea. Because God has not chosen me to be a wife, does that mean He hasn't chosen me to be a mother either? I don't think so. When I was about 27, without a single "prospect" out there, I began to think through my life. What did I want for my life? What did I want to accomplish? What dreams could I not live without having fulfilled?

Husband - don't get me wrong, I want to meet and marry that man of my dreams in the worst way. But, I'm not willing to sacrifice my morals, standards, or beliefs in order to do so. All kinds of people have tried to offer me "excellent" advice that doesn't work for me. Church? Check. Through friends? Check. E-harmony? Check. Facebook and old contacts? Check. Where else is a girl to look? A Bar? Uh, I don't think so.

Children - my heart aches to share the love of a child. To hear someone utter, "Mommy" and know that it's me they are talking to. To hold, cherish, teach, forgive, laugh. . . Oh, to have someone to share it with!!

So, what am I doing to get ready for the day that God may choose me to be the mom to a little one who needs a family? First of all, I have gone out and done some things that I don't think I'd be able to do if I were a mom. Last summer, I saved up and took the trip of a lifetime to the Holy Land. Several years ago, I was in some nasty financial trouble - not proud of it, but definately a part of my past - and I worked very hard to get myself out of that mess. I paid off what I owed and am working very hard at putting together a budget and plan to be able to raise a child on my salary. Two and a half years ago, I purchased my first home. . . a lovely townhouse with 4 bedrooms. . .plenty of room for a family.

It's no secret to anyone that knows me that I am not a healthy person. I have had 4 knee surgeries, 1 back surgery, and a whole other host of surgeries and medical issues. I am extremely overweight. I have come to terms with it and that is not how I want to live. I am not happy with myself when I look in the mirror, so I'm changing it. It is not easy, but I am on a very strict diet plan as well as an accountability program with a friend and with my PCP. I've already lost 20 pounds and will continue this new eating lifestyle for the rest of my life. My doctor cried yesterday when I went to see her for my check up because she is so proud of the changes that I've made in my life and the decision I am considering.

So, you probably know more about me now than you've ever wanted to know, huh? My purpose is to help people understand a little more about who I am NOW. . . as opposed to when you knew me 10 years ago, or even 10 months ago.

All this to say, I have thought through the adoption idea thoroughly. I continue to think about it and pray about it everyday. I covet your prayers and any support you could offer. Have I come to a conclusion yet? No. Absolutely not. I want to MAKE SURE that I am hearing the Lord's voice and not listening to my beating heart. I want to beat with GOD'S heart.

I've always been told that God will grant me the desires of my heart. I want my desires to be HIS desires. I have begged Him that if His desire for me is not motherhood and to be a wife that HE would remove that desire from me. He hasn't removed it yet, so I trust that He's not finished with me yet. . . Hmmm. . . that would be a good song. . . (If you haven't heard it, listen for it. . . it's by Brandon Heath.)

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. I do hope that you can see into my heart and know how to better pray.