. . . . silence. . . .

It seems lately like that's what I hear when I begin to think about what's next for me. Utter silence. A void between my ears that is deafening. A lack of words. Yet, unimaginable sadness will envelope me.

I realize it's been 8 months since I've even given any of my "followers" a look into my life via this blog. For this, I am sorry. To say that I've had nothing to say would be an understatement. Not only has the process of adoption in my life come to a standstill, I don't even see any light at the end of the tunnel. Has God changed my heart about the issue of adoption? An emphatic "NO!" is my answer. I still feel very close to the issue of adoption. Is my health keeping me back? "NO!" I'm working through my issue with the knee, although it will be a lifetime of pain and slow healing. Is it finances? "Um. . .maybe a little". But my God is bigger than my checkbook, savings account, and Roth IRA. (Which is a really good thing, because it is always pretty small!!) So what is it, you ask? Space. Just flat out space. I wouldn't change my current situation for anything. My best friend and her boys living with me has been a blessing for all of us. I'd be a liar if I said that it didn't make me think twice about being a mother. But I'd also be a liar if I said it didn't make me more interested in trying it for myself. When I called my social worker back in May to inquire about beginning the process for a homestudy, she recommended that I wait until I can "prove" that I have the space for a child. So, my next thought was, "Well, I'll just go and buy a bigger house." Yeah, right. Like that's possible right now.

To be brutally honest, I was fairly certain that I had met that certain someone that I would share my life with a few months back. His passion for God's word and gentle kindness for me was incredible. I was falling hard. I was falling fast. Those close to me in my life saw things unfolding for me, and we were all a little surprised. I couldn't help but think that God had not put my adoption plans into motion because He had these "other" plans for me. But when everything panned out, I knew that, as amazing as this man was (and is) God was not calling me to be his wife. I was devastated for both of us. I didn't understand. I was sad. I was angry. After dreaming of the perfect scenario for years and years, my perfect scenario was slipping away from me. And what was worse was it was MY fault. I gained quite a bit of weight. I felt sorry for myself. I snapped at those around me. I wanted to be alone. I'd sit at my desk during my planning periods and stare at the wall. Literally.

Flash forward 4 months - 4 LONG months - and find that I have pulled myself up by my bootstraps and moved on. I thank God for the influence that this man has on my life and for the very special friendship we share. But where do I go from here? There it is again. . . silence. . .

. . . and still more silence. . .

I'm trusting that in the silence that God is glorified and know that He has not forgotten me. I don't know what the silence means. But I will follow Him and trust that He will show me the way that is clear. Would I change my living situation? No. Not until God changes it. I love having a house full of people (although I don't have ANY privacy anymore, LOL!) and I love having people here that are blessed because I am sharing my space. I want them to stay as long as God continues to provide for them in this way. I consider it a joy and a blessing that they are here. But I do feel that my situation calls for me to step aside and allow God to work in His time. I want to step to the side and let the Lord show me my next step. Unfortunately, the Lord is asking me for something that I'm not very good at. . .

. . . silence. . . .