Journey of Obedience

. . . . silence. . . .

2011-01-14T19:17:00.003-06:00

It seems lately like that's what I hear when I begin to think about what's next for me. Utter silence. A void between my ears that is deafening. A lack of words. Yet, unimaginable sadness will envelope me.

I realize it's been 8 months since I've even given any of my "followers" a look into my life via this blog. For this, I am sorry. To say that I've had nothing to say would be an understatement. Not only has the process of adoption in my life come to a standstill, I don't even see any light at the end of the tunnel. Has God changed my heart about the issue of adoption? An emphatic "NO!" is my answer. I still feel very close to the issue of adoption. Is my health keeping me back? "NO!" I'm working through my issue with the knee, although it will be a lifetime of pain and slow healing. Is it finances? "Um. . .maybe a little". But my God is bigger than my checkbook, savings account, and Roth IRA. (Which is a really good thing, because it is always pretty small!!) So what is it, you ask? Space. Just flat out space. I wouldn't change my current situation for anything. My best friend and her boys living with me has been a blessing for all of us. I'd be a liar if I said that it didn't make me think twice about being a mother. But I'd also be a liar if I said it didn't make me more interested in trying it for myself. When I called my social worker back in May to inquire about beginning the process for a homestudy, she recommended that I wait until I can "prove" that I have the space for a child. So, my next thought was, "Well, I'll just go and buy a bigger house." Yeah, right. Like that's possible right now.

To be brutally honest, I was fairly certain that I had met that certain someone that I would share my life with a few months back. His passion for God's word and gentle kindness for me was incredible. I was falling hard. I was falling fast. Those close to me in my life saw things unfolding for me, and we were all a little surprised. I couldn't help but think that God had not put my adoption plans into motion because He had these "other" plans for me. But when everything panned out, I knew that, as amazing as this man was (and is) God was not calling me to be his wife. I was devastated for both of us. I didn't understand. I was sad. I was angry. After dreaming of the perfect scenario for years and years, my perfect scenario was slipping away from me. And what was worse was it was MY fault. I gained quite a bit of weight. I felt sorry for myself. I snapped at those around me. I wanted to be alone. I'd sit at my desk during my planning periods and stare at the wall. Literally.

Flash forward 4 months - 4 LONG months - and find that I have pulled myself up by my bootstraps and moved on. I thank God for the influence that this man has on my life and for the very special friendship we share. But where do I go from here? There it is again. . . silence. . .

. . . and still more silence. . .

I'm trusting that in the silence that God is glorified and know that He has not forgotten me. I don't know what the silence means. But I will follow Him and trust that He will show me the way that is clear. Would I change my living situation? No. Not until God changes it. I love having a house full of people (although I don't have ANY privacy anymore, LOL!) and I love having people here that are blessed because I am sharing my space. I want them to stay as long as God continues to provide for them in this way. I consider it a joy and a blessing that they are here. But I do feel that my situation calls for me to step aside and allow God to work in His time. I want to step to the side and let the Lord show me my next step. Unfortunately, the Lord is asking me for something that I'm not very good at. . .

. . . silence. . . .

Mother's Day

2010-05-08T23:17:00.003-05:00

There are a couple of times during the year that a sadness will hit me. The anniversary of my Grandma Jeannie's homegoing. The times when I talk to my family and miss them terribly, knowing I'm missing out on a really special time with my nieces or nephew. And Mother's Day. Inevitably, every year that passes, I become further and further away from the possibility of getting married. That in and of itself is heart-wrenching to me. But the fact that I don't have a child. . . it continues to burn and ache in my soul. I am so so so grateful to be in the lives of so many children and feel as though I'm making a difference. . . my students at school, my nieces and nephew, my BF's 3 boys who happen to live with me. . . but how I long to have one of my own.

I do feel as though I've taken steps backwards in the last three months. Many people have asked why I haven't posted anything on the progress. That's because there has been no progress. Nothing. Nada. My home study is not done. My paperwork is not complete. I had to put it on hold and haven't yet picked it back up. My intention is to get going on it with a vengeance as soon as school lets out. I'm FREAKED out about the home study. I know I shouldn't be, but it's tough to think that someone is going to come into my home and judge it.

I had the opportunity to meet with a friend, Brea, that has been through domestic adoption twice. My goal was to ask her about private agency versus DCS adoptions. I was SHOCKED (and ecstatic) to find out that I can do foster to adopt through a private agency and it is still virtually free. I remember being told back at my initial interview with DCS that I could go through a private agency, but I misunderstood and thought he meant that the foster care system was not where I needed to be. I didn't realize that you can go through a private agency and they act as a liason between DCS and the client. This will add an additional level of screening that will ensure that I will be contacted only for cases that meet my "list".

Oh boy. . . the list. Another source of panic and questions. Brea recommended that I make a "list" of situations or "conditions", if you will, that I would feel comfortable or capable of handling. For instance, do I feel capable of caring for a wheelchair bound child? Am I willing to parent a child with a severe handicap? And things like that. That way, when the agency calls me with a possible placement, I don't immediately get mommy-fever and consider to take someone that I can't possibly care for.

But how do you HONESTLY write down what you'll take and what you'll not take? So that's where YOU come in. I need prayers. I need desperate prayers that will help guide me towards what I can take and what I can't take. This list will not be shared with the case worker, just a list that I can refer to, but I know it's important. I am not equipped to make decisions on what I can handle. I trust that God will only give me what I can handle, so I'm asking you to petition for me as I continue to ask God to lead me.

It is truly my hope and prayer that this will be my last Mother's Day alone. I expect tears tomorrow. They come every year when I'm at church. They flow quickly and burn my cheeks. My heart beats fast and my stomach churns. But, I am trusting that God will provide what I need.

To the precious moms that are following my journey of obedience, I wish for you peace, love, joy, and deep happiness on this day that celebrates you and the gift that you gave to the world. Hug your children tightly. Kiss their precious faces. Know that you make a difference everyday. Please don't take it for granted. There are some people that would give nearly anything to be in your world.

Ready to Talk

2010-03-11T13:42:00.006-06:00

So, I guess after my short post last time, I'm ready to do some "splaining". Where to start, where to start. . .

All of this began with my knee surgery. From my previous posts, you probably already know that my surgery set me back further than I would have ever imagined, physically speaking. Gratefully, the weekend after my surgery my BF and her boys moved in. They have helped me SO very much with the house and the dogs. It's been a real eye-opener having them there. I knew it would be, so that doesn't surprise me, but it really helps having them in the space that they are in so that I can really judge how much space I have to work with for adoption purposes.

My house is a wonderful blessing. I own a 4 bedroom townhouse that is two stories. Currently, my BF and the boys are occupying the entire upstairs which has 3 bedrooms and a full bathroom. My bedroom, as well as a full bathroom, kitchen, dining room, and living room are all downstairs. Prior to them moving in, we had all discussed what would happen if and when a child would come to live with us. The boys would share a room, and that would leave an open room for the child to have. Now that I can see how the space is being utilized, I'm not sure that it is the best time right now for me to take this on.

The amazing thing about the timing issue that God has placed in my life, is that just prior to my new roomies joining me, I had some serious doubts as to what path I should really be on. Why did I chose foster to adopt? Is there another path that is more appropriate for me? I'm not regretting going through the PATH training classes, I'm just not certain anymore that fostering is for me. The constant mention of "fostering teens" has really got me thinking that maybe I'm not supposed to go through this program to increase my family.

I initially chose foster to adopt for a couple of reasons~

1. I feel very strongly about domestic adoption. I am a huge advocate for international adoption, but I also believe that there are hundreds of thousands of kids on in my backyard that need homes.

2. Extremely selfishly, (and now that I'm really being honest) and probably faithlessly speaking, I chose foster to adopt because of money issues. I know that international adoptions as well as domestic adoptions are crazy expensive which just ticks me off. Why is it that good people, with good hearts, and good homes can't adopt a child for free or next to free? I think that a lot more people would consider adoption if the price wasn't so steep. So my decision to foster to adopt was based on the fact that fostering is nearly free. I say nearly because there are things that I have to purchase to make my home able to pass strict guidelines - carbon monoxide testers, medication lockboxes, ect.

3. I don't want to parent an infant. As a single female, I don't think it would be wise of me to parent an infant that requires daycare and other needs that I am not able to provide. I know that it is rare for infants to come into the custody of the state, so that's another reason I chose foster care.

4. Although I have nothing to back this up except for my thoughts and feelings, I still feel leary about being a single parent by choice. I figure(d) that an adoption agency will ask a lot of questions and be suspicious of me if I'm single rather than DHS just being glad to have a warm home to send a child to.

So where do I stand? I have no clue. I'm in a crazy transition period right now. I am finishing up my PATH training classes in the next 2 weeks. I chose to complete those classes because I am not a quitter, and I believe that no matter what path God leads me down in my life, those classes will make me a better teacher and better human being. I will complete my homestudy with DCS in the next 2 months or so. I am not a quitter. I will push forward to see what God wants me to do. I am not a quitter. I will continue to lose weight. I am not a quitter. (Ok, Ok, so I've struggled ALOT with this last one. I want to quit. Dang, I want some chocolate cake right now. Like, the whole thing.)

My thought now is that I am at a crossroad in my life. I still feel strongly that I need to pursue adoption. I still feel strongly that I need to pursue domestic adoption. Fostering to adopt is an issue that I'm wavering on. My new thoughts include the path of adoption agency. Why? Well, looking back at the four reasons I gave for following the path to adoption through foster care, three out of four of those are (I feel) selfish, lazy, and faithless excuses. I am not trusting my God to provide financially. I am not trusting my God to place the child that HE wants me to have in my life. I am not trusting my God to make my way clear and be able to answer questions about my singleness. Shame on me. Shame on me. Shame on me.

My God is not a God of confusion. My God is not a secret God. Thanks, Erin, for the reminder. Any confusion comes from the father of lies. Any secrets that I perceive are only secrets because I am not looking and seeking.

Please pray that I will be seeking the answers that I need and that I will be obedient in following the path God has for me. If you have any input on adoption agencies that you think I should look in to (or those that you would NOT recommend), please let me know because I'm going to begin doing research to see if that is what God would have me to do.

Thank you friends. You are a blessing to me.

Hey God, how about a map?

2010-03-07T18:24:00.003-06:00

Frustration. Weariness. Moments of Anger. Exhaustion. Confusion.

I don't even really know where to begin. The last three weeks have been absolutely exhausting as I've tried to juggle all of my normal responsibilities as well as respond to the pull of my heart. My physical state (crutches and a wheelchair) have pushed me beyond exhaustion physically - not to mention the mental state it puts me in to have to be dependent on others.

As my week began last week, I wasn't sure I was even going to be able to go through with the rest of my home study. As the week wore on, I knew it was physically impossible for me to be prepared, so I called and postponed it until April.

I'm sorry. I have to blog more later. I cannot separate my thoughts right now and need more time to think. Thank you to those of you who have been faithfully following and praying for me.

Knees, Roommates, and WHAT???!!!

2010-02-25T16:46:00.005-06:00

It's been a whirlwind of activity here in my world in the last few weeks. I have been having knee problems (again) the last few months and have been consulting with my orthopedic surgeon to try to get them fixed. After steroid injections, physical therapy, and a round of orthovisc injections (the fat from the rooster comb), it was evident that surgery was going to be my only option. My doctor couldn't see anything on the MRI due to the large amount of scar tissue present, so exploratory orthoscopic surgery was scheduled. This surgery was to take place on a Friday so that I could go back to school on Tuesday without any complications, but it wasn't to be. Instead of walking to the car after my surgery (which is what happened last time I had knee surgery), I received a walker and strict instructions to be completely non-weight bearing for 4-6 weeks. Gulp. Did you hear that? Four to six weeks on crutches, a walker, and a wheelchair. Initially she also told me to be off of work 3-4 weeks. Yeah right. Like I have that kind of time. Now, mind you, this is knee surgery number 5 for me. . . 4 on my right knee, one on my left. I am no surgery infant. I know what to expect. I know when I can push it. I have learned, through this surgery, when not to push it. I took off an additional 3 days (thanks to President's Day and a snow day) and returned to school this last Monday in a wheelchair that a friend let me borrow. That wheelchair has saved me. Literally. March 18 is the big day. Not only is it the day after my birthday, but the day I can start to walk on it again! This week has been a slow downward spiral for me culminating in today's break down. I am completely exhausted physically and emotionally.

My best friend, S, and her boys, T and R, moved in this last weekend. While it is not a permanent move for them, it is an adjustment for them as they've had some pretty major changes in their lives in the last 6 months. So, I've gone from living by myself to living with 3 other people, 2 of which are teenagers. I absolutely love having them here, and it has been such an incredible blessing to have them here.

And of course, in the midst of all this craziness, DCS calls. They have decided that they want to move forward with my home study. WHAT?!?! You mean, I'm not a lost cause because I don't feel called to parent a teenager right now? I guess not. So, now the panic starts. My case worker will be here next Thursday to complete the second part to my home study, my first actual home visit. So you can just imagine the mad dash for the bottle of Fantastik! Oh my gosh! Throw me that Magic Eraser! Could you please fill up the bucket with Pine Sol? Quick! Install the carbon monoxide detectors! Lock up the medications!! Oh yeah. . . Did anybody remember that I CAN'T WALK!!!??? I can't even carry a glass of water down the hallway! How in the world am I gonna clean this house spotless!? I know, I know. Everyone I've talked to about home studies say that they're not looking at the cleanliness of your house. But, by a show of hands, how many of you would feel comfortable with a stranger walking into your house to evaluate it with dirty dishes in the sink, stains on the floor, and dog hair all over the place? Go on. Anybody? See. No hands. Yeah, me neither.

So, this week, I hobble around on crutches around the house. Truth be told, when no one's looking, I dance from one wall to another just so I can walk around without those stupid wooden appendages. And no. I don't want any help. Don't you dare offer to come over and help me. I don't want anyone else cleaning up my mess. I won't allow it. I'd be horrified.

Oh yeah, and on top of all of it. . . my right pointer finger is infected. No idea how that happened, but the antibiotics I'm on hopefully will clear it up. Currently, it's the size of a Bob Evans sausage. When it rains, it pours.

First of many

2010-02-09T19:42:00.004-06:00

Today I experienced the first of what I'm sure will be many heartaches on my journey of obedience. I have eagerly anticipated my first meeting with the Sumner County DCS workers for about 10 days now. Today was the first meeting of what was to be my home study. I was told that three meetings would be the make-up of a home study. They asked me to tell them about my motivation for wanting to be a resource parent. After I explained "Crazy Love" to them and a passion that my Savior has placed on my heart, I was greeted with this statement; "I see here that you are interested in a child 4-8 years old. At this time, we are really in need of foster parents for teenagers. How do you feel about that?" I replied with the fact that, although I'm not closed to it, I don't feel like that is what I've been called to right now. I did tell them that I would be willing to open up to a child as old as 11.

In a nutshell I told them:
** I want to foster to adopt (meaning that I am not too keen on fostering children that will never be adoptable)
** I am willing to wait as long as I need to find the child or children that God has for me
** I understand that this is a journey, not just a one time deal
** I fully expect that children that I foster may ultimately return to their parents or families
** I fully expect that I will have a broken heart at sometime in this journey

The interview continued, but not for long. I felt very confident that I shared my heart with them to the fullest, but I neglected to remember one fact: They are not interested in my heart. They want to find good homes for kids that need them. I am more of a business transaction than a human being that has wrestled, prayed, cried, and hurt over the decisions that have brought me to this point. Their job is to find homes for kids. They will do this by any means.

At the end of the meeting, which only lasted 25 minutes, the statement was made, "In the past we started PATH training meetings by telling people that we were only looking for people who are willing to take in teenagers. But we've changed that because people started to not be honest in the process. We are at a point now where we don't even start a home study unless people are willing to take in teens." I hope with all my heart that the disappointment that flogged my heart was not evident on my face. They had mentioned to bring my binder with me and turn in any paperwork that I had ready, but by the end of the meeting, they hadn't even asked for it. I offered it at the end, proud because I have finished well over half of it and have collected what I need to get, and they smiled, and kindly took it. I feel like it was just to be nice.

As I left there, I wanted nothing but to go to my house, crawl into bed in my dark room, and cry. I wanted to let the tears flow for my naivity (is that even the right word??). I wanted to let the tears flow for the boys and girls that need homes that I can't get to. I wanted to let the tears flow for the DCS workers that obviously see this as a job and not as lives that you're touching. Oh yes, they said the right words. . . but when the rubber met the road, I felt like I was a number.

Oh Jesus. . . thank you for the reminder you just gave me. . . literally as I was sitting here. . . "Take heart, I have overcome the world". I don't even remember the reference, but thank you Lord for bringing it to my mind.

So where do I go from here? I don't know really. Just the other day, I had a moment of panic and asked my best friend, "Am I doing the right thing? Am I ready for this?" Maybe this was God's way of preparing me for a different path. Maybe I shouldn't be going through the state. Maybe I need to pursue a private agency for adoption? Oh boy. Dollar signs flash before my eyes. But so does the fact that God still moves mountains. God still performs miracles.

I will trust. I will allow the tears to flow. I will continue to work hard physically to lose this weight. I will fight to find my children.

How are the classes going?

2010-02-06T16:11:00.002-06:00

This is a common question I hear several times a week, and let me try to explain. The classes are called PATH training - Parents As Tender Healers - and they are for people considering foster parenting. The classes are each Thursday night and last for about 3 hours. The instructor and the participants are the same from week to week. I have received two massive binders; one of which I carry to class, and the other I leave at home as it is my home study forms and information. The classes consist of discussion through the book as well as short videos to help train. Explaining the requirements and steps to foster parenting is a huge task.

During each session, there is a topic of discussion. For instance, last week we had a panel of four girls that have been or are currently in the foster care system. They answered questions and talked about their experience so that we could gain information to be the best parent to children in the foster care system.

The second topic was on abuse. All types of abuse. Physical, emotional, sexual, neglect. The whole kit and caboodle. We discussed how to best parent a child that comes out of that situation. The statistics broke my heart. Seventy five to 95 % of kids in the foster care system have been sexually abused. Ugh. That makes me sick. But the reality is, if I am to be the mother of a child that spent any time in the foster care system, I have to be aware and know how to help my child through those terrible, gut-wrenching memories.

So, when someone asks me, "How are your classes going?" it's not a matter of just saying fine and moving on. These classes are changing my life. They are changing my view of the world. These classes are placing a burden on my heart for the children in a new and fresh way. They are not happy classes. They are not light-hearted. They certainly do not give you "warm fuzzies". All that to say - if I do not seem gushy about talking about the classes, it's not because I'm not open to talking. But really, how much detail do you want? Do you want me to say the classes are fine? Do you want to know that each Thursday night when I go to bed my heart breaks for children that are in that situation?

I love talking about what I'm learning, but I totally want to be positive about my experience and to be totally honest with you, the things that I am having to learn in my class are not positive things. They are sad, gross, disgusting, violent, and frustrating. Don't quit asking how things are going. Please. I need your support. But please don't think that I'm crazy if it's not all bubbles and rainbows when I answer. Thanks again for your interest in my life and in what God is doing. Thanks for joining my journey.

On a lighter note. . . the weight is coming off! You'll see that I've added a weight loss ticker on the bottom of the page so that you can help me in my quest for skinny motherhood! I know that many people have become interested in my weight loss and I will be preparing a post soon to help you understand what it is that I am doing to lose weight and to prepare myself for the life that God has for me.

Enjoy your weekend!!

Trial Run?

2010-01-22T17:06:00.003-06:00

So I get a message today from a friend that she needs to speak with me. I call her and she says that she knows of a 1 year old boy that needs a foster home for 16 months. Would I be willing to pray about it? I nearly choked.

Long story short, the boy is from a ministry that is run by a woman that goes to my church, Jonahs Journey. It's a ministry that cares for children of imprisoned women so that they don't have to go into state care.

My head began swimming. So many questions flooded me. Am I what this boy needs? Would we be a good fit? Would I be able to return him when it was time? What if the situation with his mother hadn't changed? What about daycare? What about the plans that I've already made for Spring Break? What about my upcoming knee surgery? Wait! I'm not even wanting to foster! And he's ALOT younger than I am mentally prepared for and willing to take in.

But I prayed. I begged the Lord to show me what He wanted me to see.

For an hour or so, I was on the phone with a whole host of people trying to ask questions, and get my prayer warriors on their knees. I surely didn't want to make a snap decision, but didn't want to draw it out longer than it needed to be drawn out.
I went to a doctor's appointment for a routine check up and sat with a blank stare on my face. My doctor, who I consider a friend, immediately knew that something wasn't right when she walked in the room. We ended up talking more about my current "situation" as it had panned out in the last hour than we did talking about my health. As I left the doctor, I received my answer from the Lord. This sweet boy has serious allergies, and asthma and I have two dogs.

I am so grateful that God gave me a quick and clear cut answer. I am sure it'll never be that easy again, but I am grateful for what He showed me and so grateful for the opportunity to entertain the thought of a little one in my home. This experience gives me some insight on what it might be like when I receive a call from the Department of Children's Services to place a child with me. I now know some of the questions I may need to think through and some of the emotions that I will feel.

And it's all because of these rascals that I don't have a little boy with me now. . .

Prayers for the Overwhelmed

2010-01-20T21:03:00.004-06:00

On the eve of my second PATH training class, I put this post out there to ask for your prayers. I have been quite overwhelmed lately by busyness in my life. It's all stuff that I've chosen to do and that I feel passionate about, but it's taking up a lot of time none-the-less. With that comes a deep feeling of panic. I feel as though I'm starting to dip below the surface of the water and can not get enough breath. Just when I make it to the top to gulp in, the waves push me down again. Is this an indication of things to come? Is this a glimpse of how my life as a mother will be? Heavens, I hope not. I am usually pretty busy doing "stuff" and pretty bad at saying "no". But even in my busiest times, I sit for an evening and feel guilty because that time is not full. For the first time in a long time, I am ready to admit that at this time in my life, I am officially over-committed. I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to go into details of all of the irons I have in the fire right now, but trust me when I say, it's got to be pretty bad for me to even admit that I'm over-committed. So, things have begun to fall by the wayside. I've had to look carefully at the things that I'm doing and decide what is most valuable. The things that are far down on the list and take much of my time have to be put to the side. I've already dropped one of my classes that I was working on for my Plus-30. At this point in my life, finding my child is more important than furthering my education. I am still in another class, but the class I dropped was going to be too much work for this season on my life and I wanted to be able to take more time to fill out my foster parenting paperwork. I knew that if I had the choice to fill out my PATH paperwork or do homework for my class, the PATH paperwork would always rise to the top and I wouldn't be working for excellence in my schoolwork.

So yes, as you see me at church, around town, on Facebook, or through the phone you may find me with bags under my eyes, a blank stare on my face, a quiet voice, an exhausted tone, or at loss for words ~ but I am ok. Please just pray that I will be obedient to what God wants me to do right now in my life and in the path that He's chosen for me. Hugs are great. Pats on the back are welcome. Gift certificates for spas are lovely. (just kidding) Please just keep praying that I can work through the necessities of life. . . that I can do what God is truly asking me to do and say no to the other things.

Thank you for praying friends. . .

Oh yes, and by the way, I went with the blue sharpie pens. . .

Sharpies, Post-it notes, and favorite pens

2010-01-14T20:59:00.011-06:00

People will probably think I'm nuts, but I'm one of those individuals that junk mail was created for. I love to read junk mail, and will fill out virtually any survey or form that comes my way. I have even been known to fill in forms for other people just so I can have the pleasure of filling in those little blanks. I ooze over the sight of a sharpie marker. I crave sticky notes. I am tickled pink with the thought of a bubble sheet to fill in an answer sheet. Give it to me. . . multiple choice. . . fill in the blank. . . true/false. . . whatever you have. . . give it to me and I am in heaven! The mere thought of being able to use my fingers to communicate my feelings on a piece of paper makes my heart soar!

So now that you know that I'm officially crazy, tonight's PATH training was such an interesting experience. The meeting started at 6pm and I was there early so that I could be sure I knew where I was going, and didn't walk in late. I was nervous to go because I didn't know what would happen once I got there. The thought of meeting new people doesn't scare me. The thought of sharing my story doesn't scare me. The paperwork doesn't scare me. It's simply the "unknown" that puts me on edge. Will the instructor be boring? Will I feel like I know the most out of anyone, instructor included? Will I feel like I don't know ANYTHING? Thankfully, all of my fears were put to rest. The room was half full when I got there, and by the time the class was 15 minutes into the session, I was grateful that I was early as they had to pull in chairs and other tables. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I wasn't the only single person there. The mix of people was interesting. Single people, married people, retired people, people who have been through training before, and people that were as green as I! The instructor, Marcee, was extremely pleasant, but not sugary, and very professional. . . even through some pretty persistent people.

The meeting tonight was basically an orientation to explain the "resource parent" to everyone and to give information so that people could decide if this path was the one that they should be traveling. I was extremely surprised and super excited to learn that the home study process starts as soon as next week! I was under the impression that the home study would take 3-6 months to complete and the process wouldn't begin until the conclusion of PATH training. The truth is that I can start filling out my paperwork next week, and by week three I will be contacted to start my home study meetings. For those of you who aren't fabulous at math, like me, that translates into me possibly having a child placed with me as early as June! Apparently, DCS and the home study case workers only have 90 days to write (finish) my home study from the conclusion of PATH training. WOW! Can you believe that??

Of course, there was information that was presented that was initially disheartening to me. Marcee told us that the goal of the "resource" parent is to give the child a stable home while they are waiting to be returned to their birth parents. She said that last year 67% of kids in foster care were reunified with their birth parents after their stay in foster care. Only 14% of the children were adopted. My heart sank at that number. But, just as quickly as it sank, my heart rebounded when I was reminded (by the Holy Spirit, no doubt) that my God doesn't pay attention to numbers. My God is MUCH bigger than 14%. My God is even bigger than 1%. I believe with my whole heart that God is leading me down this path of fostering to adopt and I do not believe that My God would lead me down a dead end. God will make it happen. How will it happen? I have no idea. Will it be easy? I'm betting not. How will the details work out? This may sound flippant to you, but that's not my problem. I don't have ANY idea how GOD is going to work it all out. All I know is that He's asked me to be obedient and I'm doing my absolute best to follow His leading.

So Marcee kept mentioning this "binder" of paperwork that we will be receiving next week with all of our information in it that we have to fill out. My heart started racing. My eyes darted around the room. Why can't I have it tonight? Why do I have to wait a WHOLE week to get my hot little hands on it?? I even packed my favorite pen in my purse tonight so I could get started!!!

But, I must be patient. I filled out the three forms that I was given with gusto. She commented to the group that it was ok if we had to take it home, fill it out,and return it next week. Are you nutso!!?? No way!!! I'll sit right here with my favorite pen and fill out this paperwork. I even started texting friends for their addresses and permission so I could list them as references! The faster I turn this paperwork in, the faster I find my child, right? Well. Take it now. Process it in the morning. Get busy helping me find my child!!

So, my plan this weekend is to make a trip to Office Depot. I've had my eye on those new sharpie pens. You know, the ones that don't bleed through the paper? They're a bit more costly than the other pens I have, but I can think of no better reason to spend an extra dollar or two on a pen than to be able to fill out ALL of my paperwork to bring my child home. Now the only question I have left. . . blue or black?

Mommy from Downstairs

2010-01-07T20:44:00.004-06:00

There are few things a teacher likes better than a snow day. There is something crazy exciting about your superintendent saying "It's okay teachers, take the day off. Oh, and yes, we'll pay you!" As much as I adore teaching, snow days are fun stuff! But, for the first time in my life as a teacher, I was torn. Oh to have a day to sleep in! But, will my PATH training class be cancelled? If it will, I can brave school! I can make it!! But, no, the snow fell. The temperatures stayed frigid. The schools closed. And my first PATH class (Parents As Tender Healers; foster parenting) was cancelled. **sigh** I guess you take the bad with the good. I'll call early next week, but I am thinking they'll just push the classes back a week and we'll start next Thursday instead.

I had a delightful visit with a friend last weekend. I met Stacey on Facebook (of all places!!) through a couple of mutual friends. She lives on the other side of the state and has a wealth of knowledge that she has shared with me regarding fostering and adoption though the foster care system. She adopted her two precious boys, "B" and "R" several years ago. She sent me a message a few weeks ago that said that she was planning on coming to the Nashville area for a visit. I immediately offered that she and the boys could stay with me. So, she took me up on it and I was so blessed! Her boys are such sweet babies. . . They heaped me with hugs, and loved on me like I was family. They stayed the night on Sunday, and Stacey smiled as she told me that "R" made the comment when he woke up, "Where's the mommy from downstairs?" What a precious comment!!

I was able to stay up chatting until 11p (for those who know me well, (!) 11PM!!) and her encouragement for my journey was an enormous blessing. She is a fantastic mother, and those boys are taken care of in amazing ways.

So, my adoption journey is still on its way although it's been a little slower than I had hoped. I am trusting that God is preparing me for each step and that He is caring for my child in my absence.

What are you waiting for?

2009-12-24T12:21:00.001-06:00

I want you to know I am no saint. I want you to know that I am no angel. I want you to know I am just like you. People around me have started to ask questions about my adoption journey and when I speak of it they respond with "You're amazing", or "Wow, I could never do that", or "That's incredible". . . There are a whole host of other things that people say as well. I promise you. . . I have been given no more determination that you. I have been given no more grace than you. I have been given no more patience than you. I have been given no bigger heart than you. God has simply given me direction. I have been seeking direction and asking for it for a long time. Why I didn't listen to what God's been saying to me for a long time is beyond me. The only thing I can come up with is that I have been waiting for the "perfect" time. When I have enough money. . . When I'm out of debt. . . When I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. . . When I lose 150 pounds. . . When I'm married. . . And I've literally wasted my life away.

I'm tired of waiting. I won't do it anymore. I have to grab the bull by the horns and take the monster on. I'll never have enough money. I'll never be out of debt. It's unlikely that I'll quit living paycheck to paycheck. A 150 pound weight-loss is in my future, but probably down the road a year or two. Married? I won't even begin to tackle that beast.

The point to my ramblings is a goal. I've set goals. Yes, they are fairly lofty goals. . . but the point is, I've set them. I'm working towards my goals. I'm not going to hit New Years this year and look back and question what I've done to better myself and those around me. This year is the first year in a LONG time that I actually have something I am REALLY going to work for and something I feel I have really achieved this year.

What is your goal this year? A closer walk with the Savior? Get in the WORD! Start one verse at a time. Weight loss? Hit it one pound at a time. Walk away from the cookies one at a time. A new job? Put yourself out there. Knock on doors until your knuckles are calloused and cracked. To increase your family? Check with your local DCS to find out when you can enroll for the new foster parenting classes. There are SO many children that need homes. They need a Godly mother and Godly father to lead them. Can't risk giving your heart to someone who may be removed from you? Be a Big Brother or Big Sister. Contact your local elementary school and volunteer. Get with the local children's ministry in your area to volunteer. give. Give. GIVE!!

One step at a time. One pound at a time. One minute at a time. One knock at a time. Don't be discouraged. Two steps forward, one step back. . . we all do it! I look forward to my journey this year whether it be by myself, or with a gaggle of friends and family to join me.

My wish for you this year is this. . .
"That you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, to lead a live worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God" (Col. 1:9-10)

. . . and again, I ask. . . WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

The Blind Side

2009-12-12T21:10:00.000-06:00

So, I'm not much of a movie person. If I go to the movies 3 times in a year, I'm amazed. I knew from the moment I saw the previews for "The Blind Side" that I would be seeing that movie in the theater. It's been out now for a few weeks and I have yet to hear someone say anything bad about it. So last night my best friend says that she wants to go and see it. This week at school was seriously the longest week that I have had yet this year and I needed a feel-good movie. I knew that "The Blind Side" was a true story and so I knew that it would probably fit the bill of a "feel-good" movie. I was pumped. I guess I should have considered my week. Not only was it a super long week, it was an emotionally draining one. I'm not real sure why, but I have felt . . . hmmm. . . I don't know. . . sad? Pensive? Reflective? Quiet? all week. . . I have a lot on my plate right now and am trying to keep moving forward but feel as if it is all just a moment from crashing down on me. It started on Sunday with a sweet, precious message from a friend that meant so very much to me. Then it was on to church where the only thing I could hear Brother David saying was "Anything is possible with God." I started boo-hooing before the sermon even started and couldn't stop. . . Everytime he said "Anything is possible with God" I would burst into tears again. I leaned over to my best friend and said, "If he doesn't stop saying that, I'm leaving." Funny thing is. . . a friend told me later, he only said it once or twice. Must have been the Holy Spirit laying it on thick.

So all week, I was tiptoeing on eggshells around my own emotions, afraid that I would turn a corner and lose it again.

If you haven't seen "The Blind Side", you really need to. It's basically about a young black teenager that doesn't have a home and "happens" to run into a family that takes him in and believes in him. They give him a lot of great things, but most of all, they gave him hope. They taught him life skills and gave him the keys to be successful.

I think the movie had been on all of 10 minutes before I had tears streaming down my face. I have heard that this happens to people during this movie, but I wondered how many people had tears because they knew that their child was out there somewhere and could be going through some of the same things? I wonder how many of those people were broken because their child could possibly be sleeping in a laundromat because they didn't have anywhere else to go. I wonder if they felt a horrible sadness because they knew that it was possible that their child was being exposed to the horrible conditions and situations that this young man had to endure. I wonder if they felt lost because there is nothing that they can do to make the process move any faster. These were my feelings.

Everytime that I feel as though my feelings about adoption and fostering are not as strong, God places someone, or something in my path that reminds me how critical it is that I continue to press on to find my child. So, I press on. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I have questions. I worry. I pray.

and I trust. What else have I? I have to trust that My God is bigger than any fears, fatigure, worries, stresses, questions, and setbacks that I can experience. I continue to press on. I continue to trust.

Fighting it off

2009-12-03T15:48:00.000-06:00

I have made some contacts this week that have not been as encouraging as I had hoped. I spoke with a woman at Department of Children Services (after 3 rounds of phone tag) that took my initial information; name, # of children interested in, county of residence, ect. She then promised that she would pass the information on to the person in my county that was responsible for placement. She said that I should expect a call within a week's time. I thought, "Yeah, right." (Insert sarcastic huff here.) Thankfully, and much to my surprise, I recieved a call the next day from the Sumner County DCS worker. He gave me valuable information about the PATH training that I'm going to be taking, and took some more information about me. I told him that I was most interested in a child 4-8 years old. His response to me was there are not many children in this age group that are open for fostering to adopt because they are typically returned to their biological homes. He did say that there are plenty of teenagers that need homes. Oh gracious! Teenagers?? What does this mean to me? At first, I felt like maybe I was headed down the wrong path. Maybe I should be going through a private agency? Should I pursue domestic adoption instead of fostering to adopt? I have to fight off the voices in my head, because my God is in control. My desire to mother a child of this certain age has not changed. While the DCS worker says it's rare for this age child to be available in the foster to adopt system, my God specializes in miracles. If this is truly God's desire for me, it will happen. I may have to wait longer. I may have to suffer some brokeness and heartache. But my God is bigger than any timeline, and has abundant love and comfort for the brokenhearted.

So, here I sit. . . fighting off the first round (of many to come, I'm sure) of doubts. Knowing that God is faithful. Knowing that this decision for me to pursue adoption is GOD'S request of me. Yes, I have always wanted to be a mother. Yes, I have waited a long time to do it. But NO. . . I didn't consider single motherhood by choice until God laid it on my heart.

Thank you for your concern and prayers for me. Thank you for asking me how things are going. I'm blessed by talking about it, talking through it, and by hearing your opinions, feelings, and thoughts. Have a blessed week.

(Oh yeah, and by the way. . . I start my PATH training classes January 7, 2010.)
"I press on toward the goal. . ."

Thanksgiving. . .

2009-11-27T16:08:00.000-06:00

As I have enjoyed being with my family the last few days, it's given me a lot of time to process the changes that are going on in my heart and in my life. What a blessing it is to be able to share with people about the gift that God has given me. . . the gift of His knowledge and direction. I was very blessed to be able to share my story and my plans with my distant cousin, and even more thrilled when I saw and heard how supportive she was. I have found most, if not all, of the people in my life to be extremely supportive.

I have had quite a few dead end contacts the last 2 weeks which is why I haven't posted anything. I was able to make a contact with a foster agency that only works with children ages 11-17. Thankfully, the woman sent me some information in the mail and left me with a promise that she would pass my information on to the proper people. I recieved the paperwork she promised and was able to muddle through very little of it without explanation. So, I did the best I could to hit the internet and friends again and find another "in". My friend encouraged me not to give up. She's been through the system and has mentioned several times how slow they are in getting back to people. The crazy thing is that I can't imagine children sitting around waiting for homes yet the Department of Children's Services are dragging their feet in screening homes and placing children with people who are desperate to have them!!

I also got on adoptuskids.org which features children in the United States that need homes. Many of them have special needs - physical, mental, and/or developmental disabilities. I found an email address there where I could put in for some more information.

I have called and left a message for the folks at DCS to call me back regarding starting my PATH training in January. Many friends have asked about my timeline. . . I'm looking at starting the training in January, which will last about 3 months. After that, I will begin my home study and application process which will take 3-6 months. At the conclusion of that process, I will (hopefully) be accepted as a foster parent and can become a caregiver immediately. Can you believe that it's possible that NEXT Thanksgiving I could spend the day with my child? Can you believe that NEXT Christmas, my little one may be making his or her Christmas list for Santa? Can you believe that NEXT year, I may become a mom? What a thrill! How frightening!! Seriously! Am I ready for this? I'm sure I'm not, but am completely confident that God wants to use me in the life of a very special child. I can hardly wait to see who He has picked out for me!

Friends, I do hope that your Thanksgiving was as special as mine - with friends and family. May God continue to bless you as we head into the season of the Celebration of His Birth!

Information Overload

2009-11-15T16:22:00.000-06:00

This week, I have thrown myself into the information highway and have found that I am more confused than ever. I have done internet searches. I have read an adoption book. I have printed massive handbooks and read them. I am no closer to finding my child this week than I was last week. My brain is swimming with all of the facts and not even sure where to start. I was able to send in a request online to talk to someone at a state agency, only to find when I spoke with them the next day that they are not the people that I need to talk with. This agency was a stage agency that took care of placing foster kids, but the children they work with are ages 11-17. The good thing out of that conversation was that the woman was able to send me an informational e-mail and a promise that she would drop some information in the mail to me. So, now I'll wait a few days to recieve this information from her regarding the PATH training which is the mandatory training that prospective foster parents go through prior to applying. I've looked at the PATH training schedule online, but it's just about like reading baseball stats. . . unless you know what you're looking at, forget it.

The best thing that happened this week was meeting a new friend. Two friends from church who are sisters told me that they had a friend that is a single mom of two boys that she adopted through the foster system. The kicker is that she adopted as a single mom. . . Thank you Lord! Finally, someone like me! I have had oodles of people come out of the woodwork and open their hearts to me about their adoption journies or to offer someone that they know that would be "willing to talk to me about adoption". While all these people are SO helpful and incredibly valuable, the one thing I was craving was to meet someone like myself who is single, who's always been single, and who had successfully adopted. My friends from church contacted this friend of theirs on Facebook, and she in turn contacted me. My heart soared when I talked to her. Finally! Someone who REALLY knows where I'm coming from. Someone who has felt the pressure of knowing that God is leading you to adoption and not having a clue where the support is going to come from. Someone who is content with her singleness and status as a mom. I am so thankful for this new friendship and can't wait to find out more information from her. Truth be known, it was through her leading that I was able to find the website where I put in my information and recieved the call I spoke about earlier. She is such a blessing to me.

Will you please pray for me this week? Please pray that I will continue to knock on doors and get answers that I need in order to find my child. Please pray that I will continue to wrestle with and answer the questions that are posed to me about my future from family and friends. Thanks again for your support.

God has chosen me. . .

2009-11-08T20:01:00.000-06:00

God has chosen me to be adopted into His family. He has loved me with an unconditional love and disciplined me with a Father's touch. I am so amazed that He choses to use me when I mess up my relationship with Him and opportunities that He gives me on a daily basis. Because of this incredible love that He has so freely given me, I cannot be silent. I must share God's love. I cannot be still. I can no longer wait for my life to start. Today is the day.

God has chosen me to be the plan for a child who needs a forever family. He made it clear to me tonight while I was at the "Cry of the Orphan" rally in Franklin, TN that He is calling me to join Him at work where He is. I am scared. I am not worthy. I will mess up. I will disappoint. I will fail Him. I will fail myself. But, even knowing this, God has chosen ME! I am the plan! I've often wondered what God's plan is for my life. How could I have been so self-centered?? It's not about me! What is God's plan for my child's life? The plan is ME!

God has chosen me to take this journey of obedience by inviting me to join Him in His work. All I can do is respond with a "Yes".

God has chosen me to share with you that there are 147 million orphans in this world. James 1:27 instructs us that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

God has chosen me to respond to His command to care for orphans by seeking adoption. What has God chosen you to do? What is your part? Have you ever considered fostering? Adoption? Financially supporting orphans or orphanages? Missions to an orphanage? Donating to help a child find their forever family?

So, where do I go from here? I have no idea. But, you can be assured that this week will be full of questions, meetings, internet searches, and phone calls. I am not willing to let another day pass that I am not pursuing bringing MY child home.

Lord Jesus, please watch over and care for my child while he or she is away from me. Please God, comfort them and let them know that Mommy is coming soon. Please help them to be safe, warm, fed, and loved in my absence. Amen.

Cry of the Orphan

2009-11-06T21:04:00.000-06:00

While doing some research on the web last night, I happened upon an announcement for a very special event here in Nashville that will take place on Sunday. Did you know that Sunday, November 8th is Orphan Sunday? It's a day that is set aside for the church to commit to praying for and caring for orphans. I had heard about that briefly on "The Fish" - one of our local Christian radio stations. So, I happen upon this website, http://www.cryoftheorphan.org/, and find that there is a free concert on Sunday from 4-6p featuring speakers and singers, including Steven Curtis Chapman and Geoff Moore. This event is designed to help raise awareness for orphans. Whether you're considering adoption, have adopted, have been adopted, or know what adoption is - this event is for YOU. It'll also be aired live on-line for those of you who can't be present. Will you please visit the website and look into it? Will you consider finding out what you can do to support orphans? Prayer? Adoption? Fostering? Financial Support of someone else's adoption? There are so many opportunities.

A song that has been on the radio has caught my attention in a huge way. It really has ministered to my heart as I seek what the Lord would have me do regarding adoption. I tried to load it onto my playlist, but apparently am not smart enough to figure out how to download it there first. I would love to share the words with you though. The song is by Leeland with a guest appearance of Brandon Heath, "Follow You". If you hear this song on the radio or even on your iPod or CD player, will you please think of me and pray for me when you hear it? I am so blessed by the followers that I have. . . I know that will bless your efforts. Enjoy these lyrics and may they speak to your heart as they have mine. . .

Follow You
You live among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy
For me to turn away

All my needs You have supplied
When I was dead You gave me life
So how could I not give it away so freely?
And I?

Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God
Follow You into the world

Use my hands use my feet
To make Your kingdom come

To the corners of the earth
Until Your work is done

Faith without works is dead
On the cross Your blood was shed
So how could we not give it away so freely?

Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world ooooh
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God
Follow You into the world

And I give all myself, I give all myself
I give all myself to YOU

Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world (Follow YOU)
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God
Follow You into the world

Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God

Visit here to see a video of this song and hear the amazing lyrics.

Totally unrelated to my adoption journey, but completely exciting none-the-less. . . I had the privilege of a surprise visitor at school yesterday. The editor of an online newspaper was interviewing people in White House (where I teach) that "make a difference in the community". What an honor! What a HUGE surprise!! Click here to hear the interview and see a wacky picture of me. I have no idea what I was doing in this picture - talking with my hands, no doubt!

Enjoy your weekend friends!!

Choices. . .

2009-11-02T18:38:00.000-06:00

As I walk this road, I realize that I am completely alone. Don't get me wrong. I have countless friends, family, supporters, and cheerleaders that are coaching me and cheering me on from the side. But when the rubber meets the road, I am the one that has to make the final decision. Whether you agree with my decisions or not, I am the one that has to live with them.

I am a person that craves feedback. I always want to make the right decision, and (right or wrong) look to others to help me in my decisions. I take opinions and suggestions very seriously and consider if they will work for me or not. Sometimes, people influence my decisions and sometimes they do not. So, I need your help. Here's what I'm thinking so far. . .

Domestic or International? I am leaning towards domestic. I served for 4 years on the mission field here in Nashville prior to my teaching career. I chose home missions because I feel very strongly that we need to first minister to the needs of those in our Jerusalem. That is NOT to say that I do not value foreign missions - on the contrary. But God called me to home missions because of my passion for teaching the gospel where I am. I understand and agree that there are SO many children that need homes from Russia, Ethiopia, South America, and a whole host of other areas. But I also know that there are a whole host of children that need homes that are from the US.

What age? Realistically thinking, I'm not sure that I see myself raising an infant. Those formative years are SO important and a time that I would LOVE to be a part of, but as a single mother, I know that they only option would be to have a daycare raise my child as I wouldn't be able to stay home. There are some amazing daycare's out there; Daycare's that are focused on training and teaching children in positive ways. . . I'm definitely not down on daycare. . . but I am not sure that would be the best option for my child. Maybe it's selfishness or a lack of trust for finances. . . why would I want to pay $800 - $1000 a month, when, if I had an older child, I could take them to school with me? So, that's why I'm leaning towards an "older" child. . .maybe 4 or 5.

Male or Female? I feel as though I'm most equipped to raise a girl. I certainly won't close my home to a boy, but I feel very strongly that a boy needs a father-figure. I have a strong church family, and an incredible family - but I'm not sure it's fair to any of them to assume that they will take on the father-figure role.

So - based on the age of child that I'm focusing on, and the domestic issue, I am wondering about fostering to adopt. I realize that most of the time the children in the foster care system are really hurting. They are struggling with a whole host of issues that I have never experienced and know little about. I feel very strongly that God will give me the skills that I need to raise a child in this situation. I've been looking at the Tennessee State Foster Care website and am brought to tears by so many of the videos and biographies of children looking for homes. How is it that a child, a child, has to market themselves for a home? How sad is that - that a child needs to put himself out there for others to look at and choose or reject.

So what are your thoughts? Have anything you'd like to share?

Explanations and Life Changes

2009-10-29T20:19:00.000-05:00

Many people have asked (or at least wondered to themselves) how in the world I got to the point of questioning adoption. Like most other little girls, I've always dreamed of the day that my daddy would escort me down the aisle and give me away to the man of my dreams. I waited through high school. I struggled through college. I bravely met the world. I've not met the man that God has chosen for me. Does that mean he's not out there? I'm not sure. Does that mean that God wants me to be single? I don't have any idea. Because God has not chosen me to be a wife, does that mean He hasn't chosen me to be a mother either? I don't think so. When I was about 27, without a single "prospect" out there, I began to think through my life. What did I want for my life? What did I want to accomplish? What dreams could I not live without having fulfilled?

Husband - don't get me wrong, I want to meet and marry that man of my dreams in the worst way. But, I'm not willing to sacrifice my morals, standards, or beliefs in order to do so. All kinds of people have tried to offer me "excellent" advice that doesn't work for me. Church? Check. Through friends? Check. E-harmony? Check. Facebook and old contacts? Check. Where else is a girl to look? A Bar? Uh, I don't think so.

Children - my heart aches to share the love of a child. To hear someone utter, "Mommy" and know that it's me they are talking to. To hold, cherish, teach, forgive, laugh. . . Oh, to have someone to share it with!!

So, what am I doing to get ready for the day that God may choose me to be the mom to a little one who needs a family? First of all, I have gone out and done some things that I don't think I'd be able to do if I were a mom. Last summer, I saved up and took the trip of a lifetime to the Holy Land. Several years ago, I was in some nasty financial trouble - not proud of it, but definately a part of my past - and I worked very hard to get myself out of that mess. I paid off what I owed and am working very hard at putting together a budget and plan to be able to raise a child on my salary. Two and a half years ago, I purchased my first home. . . a lovely townhouse with 4 bedrooms. . .plenty of room for a family.

It's no secret to anyone that knows me that I am not a healthy person. I have had 4 knee surgeries, 1 back surgery, and a whole other host of surgeries and medical issues. I am extremely overweight. I have come to terms with it and that is not how I want to live. I am not happy with myself when I look in the mirror, so I'm changing it. It is not easy, but I am on a very strict diet plan as well as an accountability program with a friend and with my PCP. I've already lost 20 pounds and will continue this new eating lifestyle for the rest of my life. My doctor cried yesterday when I went to see her for my check up because she is so proud of the changes that I've made in my life and the decision I am considering.

So, you probably know more about me now than you've ever wanted to know, huh? My purpose is to help people understand a little more about who I am NOW. . . as opposed to when you knew me 10 years ago, or even 10 months ago.

All this to say, I have thought through the adoption idea thoroughly. I continue to think about it and pray about it everyday. I covet your prayers and any support you could offer. Have I come to a conclusion yet? No. Absolutely not. I want to MAKE SURE that I am hearing the Lord's voice and not listening to my beating heart. I want to beat with GOD'S heart.

I've always been told that God will grant me the desires of my heart. I want my desires to be HIS desires. I have begged Him that if His desire for me is not motherhood and to be a wife that HE would remove that desire from me. He hasn't removed it yet, so I trust that He's not finished with me yet. . . Hmmm. . . that would be a good song. . . (If you haven't heard it, listen for it. . . it's by Brandon Heath.)

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. I do hope that you can see into my heart and know how to better pray.

Intro to Blogging. . .

2009-10-28T16:50:00.000-05:00

What on earth am I doing here? I read all of these really cool blogs by moms of toddlers, and am fascinated by what they write. I've considered doing a blog before, but wasn't sure what I'd blog about. My dogs? My work?

I don't claim to be a writer, or have deep thoughts. I don't claim in know anything about anything. . . I do, on the contrary, claim to have a LOT of questions about motherhood, singleness, adoption, and God's Will.

So, here I am. I will ask questions. I will wait on the Lord. I will beg for your input and comments. I will open my heart to the Father of Truth. I will trust that He will lead me.

I hope you will choose to join me and choose to help me muddle through the details as I seek to follow God in obedience.

. . . The Journey Begins. . .